Tonight I am watching a slightly blurry version of this movie [The Hobbit] on my great-great great-great grandfather of a plastic mac book held together with black tape, and a  set of $15.00 Logtech speakers from Target. 

I am functionally deaf in my right ear and have an earplug in my left. 

 A side effect of unilateral deafness is that the good ear is almost as fucked as the bad ear.  I'm really stoned and all I can hear is gutteral death growls: "
AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" and "NNNNNNOOOOOO!"  indistinct grunting,  dramatic orchestra music, the clashing of swords and armor.  

I'm sure that visually it would be a different experience to watch the movie
 in a theater, but it would still fuck up my ears.  

I don't really know what's going on because the screen is dirty and this copy is a little blurry.  If I stare at it too long, it feels like I'm wearing someone else's prescription glasses. I am distracted to no end by the  deep, pulsating bass violin and I feel like I'm riding a wildabeast through a forest; while small, cute animals skitter out of the way...  

I think about being forced to live in a hellish world where they play suspensful orchestra music at the grocery store, and violinists play at TGI Friday's while people eat potato skins and Jack Daniels- basted ribs.  I think I would be really stressed out if I had to listen to this movie soundtrack while eating dinner.  

This isn't a fair review, since I'm the only one who can hear what I cannot hear or see what I didn't pay for... 
But, I am sure this movie is well worth the
$94 million budget.  

For a while, I didn't have any idea what was going on except that one hour and thirty-five minutes into trying to watch it, I still hadn't seen a dwarf, elf, troll, orc, or wizard meant to have a vagina.  For half an hour, I wondered how any of them reproduced and then, finally, appears the bitch with the harp and then the orc lord "
Defiler" said "The dwarf scum will show themselves soon enough" and then, finally the stupid thing cut out and I was so glad it was over.  

-Pantifesto's Porntastic Phunhouse-12/18/12-